The Void

I.

My heart a vacuum

void of any life

cold, dark, and hollow.

My soul is empty

a hole in the universe

gravity absent.

My body broken

as it shelters in it’s place

grieving as it licks it’s wounds .

Nothing can fix this,

mirror, still water, deep thought

a useful solace.

Hard thought blended with horror

head bent in sorrow

face on bitter wall.

 

II

Stand facing to the world, child

let your fingers touch the wind

this too shall pass, breathe.

One Spirit has it in hand.

Trust that what will come, will come

let chaffe float away

dandelion seeds

Que sera sera.

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Change

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I feel a kind of tenderness, a need to curl up against the warm, clean, good smelling body of Tom.  I lift his big hand and popeye arms and wrap him around me.  Whats up with you today, you okay?  I am I say, I just want to cuddle.

The time change, and my lousy sleep pattern intersect with a harshness, I am up too late, I awake too early.

I pull out my yoga mat and finally.  Finally, finally.

So long the voice of, “if you don’t want to do the pose it is the one you most need” is hushed.  Be quiet, I tell it.  It is okay to just do the poses you really like to do.  You don’t have to do a bunch of poses that hurt, that are keeping you from doing what you love to do.  Just do those, just do triangle and down dog.  Just do them.  The dog cuddles me and plays with me as I bend over stretching.  It feels so good.

I turn on my Ipad just to look up lemongrass, I awake with it in my mind.  Later the dog and cat are chewing on the grass.  Tom yells at them, no, I say, it is okay, its really good for them.  Maybe me too.  I want to make lemongrass oil.

Later, after I am ready, very early, I take the dog for a short walk.  She is astonished.  Be careful, Tom tells me, this road is dangerous.  I know.  I say, but Mike told me not to walk out back in the mornings during hunting season.  He won’t shoot you, Tom says.  I know I say, but it is his property and I have to respect what he told me.

I don’t know what happened over the weekend.  I went from feeling really depressed to opening up again.

I feel tender, and cold, and fresh.

 

Trying to do this again

The first hard frost of the season was on Tuesday morning.  There had been a frost earlier in October but it was a light frost on some surfaces.  The sun was a giant magenta ball in the sky on Wednesday.  All these things difficult to photograph as you drive by at 65 miles an hour.  Geese are flying but not going south, last year the waterways remained open and I think I saw geese all winter.