Have you had the chance to see this amazing mini-series. I will admit the pirate found it boring, not enough testosterone I guess, but I found the series very compelling. Ever since I started watching Mad Men, I have loved Elizabeth Moss who plays Robin, and who doesn’t love Holly Hunter who plays GJ. Anyway in the last episode GJ who is a guru that many women flock to, and live in shipping containers at her encampment (perfect sized house?!), gives this speech to Robin, who is a detective but also whose whole life is crashing down on her head throughout the whole series, while she doggedly investigates the unexpected pregnancy of a 12 year old girl. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it.
Robin :“I don’t know how to keep living.”
GJ :Who is she?
Um the detective.
GJ: oh I remember the detective. So you’re on your knees.
GJ: Good. Now die to yourself. To your idea of yourself. Everything you think you are, you’re not. What’s left, find out.
Robin: I’ve just realized who I thought I was, who I thought my mother and father were…
GJ: Stop! Stop Thinking!
GJ: You crazy bitches don’t have everything…Have you people paid your trailer rent, no freeloading, fifty bucks a week. You’ve gotta work. No closing your eyes.
Robin: GJ, I need to help Tui.
GJ: You picked the wrong way to help someone, that one, she wants to help Africa! Like the airplane put on your own mask first!
Robin: How do I help myself?
GJ: Why should I tell you when you don’t listen?
Robin: I am listening
GJ: NO! All you hear are your own crazy thoughts, like a river of SHIT, ON AND ON! See your thoughts for what they are! Stop your helping! Stop your planning! There’s NO WAY OUT! Not for others! Not for you! We’re living out here, at the end of the road at the end of the earth in a place called Paradise, how’s it going perfect?
All shake heads
GJ: NO! You are madder than ever. To Robin: You are tired?
Robin nods yes.
GJ: So lie down right here, be like a cat, heal yourself. There’s no match for the tremendous intelligence of the body. Rest.
I am writing this as I sit, now weeks and weeks into major physical issues. I haven’t been writing much about it, but it all started with plantars fascitis, which I am pretty sure came about with the wearing of barefoot style toe shoes, combined with increased meat and alcohol consumption (inflammation). The booze has come to a screeching halt, back to my two or three beers a week, or approximately one bottle of wine a week (or less really, had only one beer this week) at most after a three month abstinence routine, and the meat consumption will go back, even if I have to make two meals. Back to beans and whole grains. But then I strained a tendon in my foot the one on the medial arch. Then I started wearing orthotics (but stupidly only on the one side) and my back went. My back literally said: UM! NO! Thought I had it fixed, sans medication, but then after a short break from the chiropractor, it came back with a vengeance, Next week back to the massage therapist, in just a few short minutes chiropractor.
Okay, my body says, this is not working.
I loved this quote because I know just exactly how this wanting to die to yourself feels. I have been experiencing this for months, for years now. Have been trying to write about it, don’t want to write about it, don’t know how to describe it, don’t know what to do about it, I am frozen, more or less like my back. Like my joints. Frozen in place. What’s next? Thinking thinking thinking. NO DON’T THINK, don’t plan, just rest.
Anyway, yesterday, as I was deciding my body wanted a day of rest, I found finch feathers outside on the lawn. I have never ever found finch feathers, blue jay, crow, pheasant, grouse, turkey, but never finch.
Finch is a sign of happiness and celebration coming.