“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”– Ambrose Redmoon
It has been a pretty long and difficult week for me. Mostly of my own making. I struggle sometimes with this small problem of having a big mouth. Two stories of saying too much when I should have kept my mouth shut. One where I think I didn’t say enough is yet another story, let me start there.
Several years ago, my daughter had a problem at school, she and several other high school students got into quite a bit of trouble for “stirring up malicious rumors” when one of the group reported that a teacher in the school propositioned him, and a second had a hard copy of an online conversation in which the same teacher spoke inappropriately to an underage young man. The kids were disciplined, the teacher continued to work for at least one more year. A year later, my former husband was talking to “someone” who worked at the district who was aware of this situation, and even though he was not her legal guardian, had a conversation with him about my daughter, about this incident, he called her, refusing to give me any details and threatening her if she ever told me any of the details. In retrospect, I suspect it was his new love, the woman he left me for who just happened to be a person whose job very easily could have made her privy to this information. He believed her rather than my daughter, well because his male parts were pointing at his new love and his heart was no longer in our corner. Of course this speaks volumes on the height of her manipulative nature, which I have experienced first hand. So that was then, this week that same teacher was arrested for soliciting an underage prostitute, and for endangering the welfare of a child (sexual in nature). The thing that I want to do more than anything else is contact the powers that be and make sure this man never teaches again, but it doesn’t look great for the district, and I don’t really know what to do. At best my daughter’s evidence is four years old. And I am surely very personally involved in ways that make it quite difficult to extract my hostility and anger from the greater issue of child abuse which also makes me feel really angry. At any rate, my daughter and her friends feel vindicated because they were called liars and trouble makers, my daughter has expressed wanting to email the ex husband a copy of the newspaper article too, not sure what good it will do there, he has made his choice.
Then I got into it with my mom’s cousin who is ignorant and intolerant for sure. Her people pulled the right wing tactic of verbally attacking people they disagree with, and I am such a freaking wimp I started crying. I run my mouth until someone says boo and then I back into my corner and shut the hell up. Like my cousin said, I am a little girl. But I was admittedly kind of in her face about it, and I guess that is what started the trouble.
a portion of this blog has been deleted because I feel a need to keep silent
Anyone who has read my blog for any extended period of time knows that I love my students, that I am a good teacher, that I am a kind and caring person, that I strive to be peaceful, and I want to be a good Buddhist, but I seemed this week to fail miserably at just a few of those things. I need to begin to recognize when my urge to speak arises, and let it pass. I need to learn to speak when I should too, but appropriately, and peacefully.
So after a month of nothing, here is my New Years Resolution: Learn to Speak Peacefully, Learn How to Be Silent.
Coffee With Hallelujah The following painting is from this blog: