Strong Woman or Fat Chick? Probably the Latter.

So a couple days ago, I went to the basement to put in a load of laundry and discovered that one area of my house, that had never leaked before was leaking.  Alot.  I cleaned up the mess and then on Wednesday a friend was over and I mentioned it and we looked at the gutters together and realized that was the problem. I was pretty happy it wasn’t a big deal really.  So this morning I took the old grey chair that used to be in our kitchen when I was growing up, and though it is probably 36 years old is the sturdiest piece of furniture I own.  And it works good outside ’cause it is ancient and looks like crap anyway so I don’t care about it much.  While I was up there inspecting the old gutter and it too is old, possibly original to the house, my neighbor asked me what I was trying to do, and then offered her lighter weight aluminum ladder.  It weighed maybe 25 or 30 pounds.  I think the aluminum ladder I have is 75 pounds, and it requires ratcheting various sections to make it the configuration you want it to, so by the time I get it out of the shed, and finishing the ratcheting process I am usually pretty well into a solid workout.  She handed her lighter ladder over the fence to me and I got to work and I fixed the gutter.  She has gone through her own divorce and said to me that it was the one thing you need a man for.  But I didn’t need a man, at all.  Strong Women Rule!

After I mowed the lawn, did the weed whacking, and cleaned out one shed and swept part of the other, I should have done the whole thing, and will make that something else to do before winter sets in.  This of course was after vacuuming the whole house, and mopping the family room and kitchen.  Then I rode 20 miles on my exercise bike while watching a movie, and after that did some light yoga style stretches and a few crunches.  My body feels strong tonight too.  I went to Bill’s house to get a screwdriver because the batteries on mine are shot and I want to wait til I get paid again to hopefully just replace the battery and charger.  While I was there, I asked him in a self conscious way how long it takes for exercise to start taking an effect on  your body.  I find this so funny because I started out the year doing 30 minutes a day.  Took about a month and a half off when I got the tattoo on my ankle, because it was infected and hurt.  I did hike or walk some but also it rained like mad for like 30 days straight so that also put a damper in my plans.  Around mid April I started hiking and walking again.  And from the the middle of June until the middle of July I walked a solid 2o miles a week, on top of the house and yard work I have been doing.  I stopped recording the miles in the middle of July but walked maybe 12-15 miles a week until about a week and a half ago.  I got back into the walking but my knee hurts some so I started biking and have done about 90 miles in a week on a real bike once and on the exercise bike the rest of the time.  The real bike is a piece of garbage, so I hesitate to use it.  Afraid the chain will break while it tries to shift gears, badly, and the brakes are for crap on the steep hills of this town.  Bill knows me, maybe better than anyone else basically because when the ex left he showed me that I could trust him under any circumstances.  ANY. And I do.  So when I asked him he just wrapped his arms around me and told me that my body is beautiful and that I am beautiful and that I needed to stop being so hard on myself.  And of course I started crying.

Confession I am nearly plus sized.  I know.  I look fat.  My belly is wide and thick as are my thighs.  And I have a fat butt.  For the last 10 years or so I have gone through various diet regimes and weight loss programs, and I have exercised, maybe less consistently, because I get frustrated with a distinct lack of progress.  I used to be afraid to walk 3 miles but now 8 is not beneath me.   I once found Clark Reservation to be something of a challenge but now it is an easy walk for me.  And this summer when I was at Upper Treman Falls, and was hiking uphill, my face got red like it always does but at the end I was leaping up the steps.    But also confession.  I stopped weighing myself in April.  Except for one fall through, where of course I discovered I hadn’t lost a pound.  So it comes down to food.  I guess I will have to stop eating so much junk food and fast food now.  Lauging. ‘ Cause I eat so much.  My Mom tells me my portion sizes are too big.  For breakfast that day I ate two eggs, two soy sausages and I cannot remember but two slices of wheat toast (?) which I undoubtedly shared with the dog before I walked almost six miles to and from work.  At work I had a portobello mushroom salad and part of a very soggy cookie and some bread I think, a small piece of french if I am not mistaken.  I forget what we had for dinner, but I can tell you I was famished.  So I guess one slice of bread and one egg, no cookie?  Did I eat a giant bowl of pasta for dinner that night?  Not sure.  But there you have it.  My truth.  It has to be portion sizes right?  Okay will have to work on that.  Today I just had raw veggies and soy milk for dinner, I realized that should be one meal a day for me with a piece of fruit so that is my new goal.  One meal a day, fresh fruit and veggies and a lean protein of some kind.

But really, in the end my body is what it is.  Funny though 150 years ago I think my body images would have been moot.  I probably would have had about 15 kids, the last 10 while cooking dinner or carrying in wood for the fire.  I would have been out in the fields two days after giving birth.  I would have undoubtedly wet nursed a half dozen other people’s babies.  And in the lean years I would have been ruby cheeked and healthy while those of a smaller thinner constitution were looking sallow cheeked.  Thank you Hollywood and Plastic Surgeons for your contribution to my self hatred.  It’s awesome.

Thank you Bill for loving me either way.

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