Walking along the beach, just to walk, the translucent shells and the ones that are blue and purple catch my eye, the waves roll up to my feet and over my ankles, gentle. I sit on a rock that is a perfect shape for sitting, and look out over the water, I do not reflect much on anything. Just enjoy the waves, the sound of the water and the quiet here where the fishermen cast into the ocean from the rock breakers.
Time passes grain by grain, and friends who have journeyed together at times, ebbing and flowing like the waves, high tide, low tide, they are there and not, communing over broken bread, a hand placed on the forehead of a child in blessing, a prayer, a tradition, good food, good company, good music, history, life, lessons, all grains that pass through the narrow neck of the hourglass.
I have another dream, the kind that I come to recognize as prophetic. Dreams of a loved one who has died, an argument, a wish that you had never left me. I do not know why I dream this and of you this night, but in my dream my ex husbands vagrant and troubled sister has died. Sand is just a million seashells shattered upon the rocks. Sometimes a life shatters and there is no putting back together of the pieces. Our lives, each life in each atom of every part of the whole of the universes all add up to a grain of sand. The laughter dies. Our hearts grieve. A salty tear is shed. I have forgiven. But my heart will never ever be repaired. And I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the loss of a movie star who had no bearing on my life, for once, a mensch. A life of honor and integrity. But this loss, is no less tragic, and it has touched my life.
I am humbled by my dreams.
I am humbled by the small beauty in this world.
I am humbled by my very own hands.
I am humbled by my mistakes.
I am humbled by how broken my heart has been.
I am humbled by the love of a child.
I am humbled as i realize that the dog coughing and panting, is probably late stage lung cancer metastasized from the lump on his belly. Soon, he will be gone.
A grain of sand.
And my sorrow drifts out with the tide leaving behind a muddy field of scattered pieces.
There is joy in this place. I promise. This is not unhappiness.